FRUSTRATION.. what came first the chicken or the egg?

Frustration has become an all too normal part of dealing with the medical specialties for me lately. Ever since my heart attack was linked to a dissection of my right coronary artery due to the use of birth control I have been battling between Cardiology and Gynecology. Never did I think,  2016 would be the year of my heart and uterus..(say that five times fast)  two organs that I've never given a good deal of thought to until now.

 Many women these days take birth control to not just prevent babies but to help with cramps, bleeding and for many other reasons.  I myself had to be on birth control due to bleeding issues. Was it my first choice... no! But what else do you do when you're using feminine pads as big as the Titanic, and it's still not enough?? (Too much information I know.. but we've all been there)

In nursing school, I was taught about the effects and adverse events of birth control and personally made the decision to become a long time birth control user. Looking back would I have done things differently?  I'm not sure. Hindsight is 20/20 and at the time that's what worked for me. Remember, what is right for one person may not be right for others. Thank God we live in a country where you have personal freedom over your health care decisions. This blog is my personal view and may not be right for everyone.. Have this discussion with your doctor and decide what's right for you.

That brings me to today and the reason I'm writing my blog.
On 2-11-16 the day of my heart attack my Cardiologist told me in a very stern voice to never take any hormones again. I listened and then again had to deal with the bleeding issues. Leading now to a heated debate between me, and my gynecologist. Gynecologists don't want to believe that birth control caused my dissection. They chalk it up to something else. Although I have told them time and again that I have NO CARDIOVASCULAR RISK FACTORS. Here is where the FRUSTRATION comes in. Yesterday, I had to have an outpatient surgery and as I'm telling the Anesthesiologist my history my Gynecologist is looking at me like I have three eyeballs. Ugh!! I again tell my gynecologist after the procedure I don't want to use any hormones to control the bleeding even if it's just progesterone or an IUD. I can see by the look on his face he is like " would this chick stop already."  Nope!! Buddy, I am a nurse, women and I've done my research, and I won't take any more chances with my life. I only get one, and I will be the strongest patient advocate... so watch out!

In the end, there will always be two sides to every issue... What came first the chicken or the egg? What caused my heart attack? It depends on who you ask. For me, my faith lies in the hands of my
Cardiologist. He was able to see my heart in the Cath lab while doing my angiogram and placing my two stents. At this point, it doesn't matter.. I just want to make sure that it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.

If you take one thing away from my blog today, is to be an ADVOCATE! Don't let frustration make you silent. Ask questions, do your research and if you feel uncomfortable with what you hear .. Don't give up. Stand up!
Get a second opinion if necessary. You are in charge! Just like people, doctors can also have high variability in how they treat you not just medically but also compassionately.. Although I've only mentioned Cardiology and Gynecology today remember this can happen in any medical area. I continue to ask you to be an advocate no matter what type of doctor or health concern you are dealing with.

3-31-16/ The day that almost....

Before today, all birthdays were a day of celebration, gifts, and cake!! Today takes on a whole new meaning. Last night before bed I said my prayers and thanked GOD for giving me tomorrow. Tomorrow, why would I have to be thankful for tomorrow you ask? Well, until this year I had always taken for granted that March 31st would come. In the past, it symbolized the day I got to drive, my first beer and then last year turning the big 40!! Joe had always told me that when you turn 40, you start to fall apart. I laughed at him and thought he was nuts! Well, Joe you were right beyond your words. I had my first set of stitches from a pizza cutter incident, diverticulitis, and the big Heart Attack! Yikes, let's hope 41 is a better year.

Not only did I fall apart I almost lost it all. I sit here and write this blog post today with tears filling my eyes. Crazy right!! I should be over the moon excited that I get to go out to eat and have Birthday Cake ( Heart Healthy of course... maybe not), but all I can think about is that this day almost didn't happen.

There is no playbook that the nurses give you when you leave the hospital.( How I wish there was!) It would have chapters such as 1. Happy Days that now take on a new meaning. 2. Emotions beyond emotions. 3. Sam's Club memberships for Kleenex. 3. Grieving the old you. 4. Family, strengthening the ties that bind. 5. Never taking anything for granted. 6. Exercise.. The turtle vs. the rabbit. 7. Cardiac Rehab, bonding with strangers over your common bond.

It's been fun getting all the birthday wishes on Facebook and texts from friends and families. Although I will have to admit I have had many tears, they are happy tears. Tears, that I have so many loved ones in my life. Friends that I haven't talked to for years are reaching out. As I sit here and write I listen to the 10,000 Maniacs and their song These are the Days.  A song that holds a deep meaning. Joe and I call it our song, I listened to it over and over when my dad passed to remind me that life must go on.  And today LIFE DOES GO ON!!  In the song, it says " These are days that  you'll remember, never before and never since I promise."  Although these last seven weeks have been hard as crazy as it is to say, I wouldn't change the experiences I've had. It has made my family slow down and begin to enjoy every moment of every day. We find ourselves laughing more. Parker's favorite quote is "Mom, did I just give you another heart attack?"  Humor makes us who we are.. and everyone needs more of that in their lives!!

 

 

Joe for my birthday this morning gave me the Pandora Heart charm for my bracelet! It sparkles, just like my true heart.. for the new lease on life GOD has given me!! Both Julie and Jennifer gave me the bracelets above it. The Circle represents the path of life and the sailboat the journey.

 

 

Tomorrow I graduate from Cardiac Rehab!! I will be holding my diploma high. As one chapter in my life ends another begins!!



I can see clearly now.. the pain is going

Symbols: Common household items that mean so much more now..

 

 

Yep, this is my new morning and nightly routine. I look at this pill box as my lifeline to staying alive and out of the cath lab. This girl went from one pill per day to now 6 bottles lining her counter top. Every Sunday night I fill my pill box for the week.  I fear the day when taking these pills becomes too routine and I might forget. Then what? Did I just increase my risk of having another heart attack? What if skipping that last dose of my anti-platelet causes my stents to clot?  Crazy how much your mind can wander and so much focus can be put on a tiny pill the size of tic tac. ( Oh, and they sure don't taste like candy). How many times have I watched the Bayer aspirin commercial on TV and never thought that I would be that person. It's funny now how I look at objects in my house so differently. And what  deep meaning these items hold.

 





Gus watching another episode of Dexter





The many looks of Gus.. the healing dog

This is Gus our lab/beagle mix he has been by my side through the rehab process. My mother -n- law said he would sit on my side of the bed and cry while I was in the hospital. Gus and I have always had a love/hate relationship. He would eat the garbage, pull all the dirty clothes (yep,including underwear) into the living room while we were at work and loves to howl at inappropriate times. But through this crazy time Gus has been a healer! The scary thing is  I think he is becoming addicted to Showtime and Dexter as you can see from the photo. Gus is a true symbol of love, compassion and healing. No matter where I am in the house Gus is at my side! I'll be the first to admit it some days can get lonely while I'm rehabbing and Gus is a constant companion.

 

How many times do we look out the window and see a dragon fly or a cardinal and it catches your eye and it makes you stop dead in your tracks and remember the loved ones who have passed. Well, for me these symbols represent the guardian angles that were ridding shot gun with me that night in the ambulance. I truly believe that a higher power decided it was not my time to go.

 And each morning when I wake up I THANK GOD for blessing me with another day.

 



 

Many times Joe and I would go Kayaking and be surrounded by dragonflies on the water. And then out of nowhere a dragonfly would sit on my Kayak and just rest. I would see my dad in that dragonfly and feel it was his way of letting me know he was with me. Joe and I always laugh when a Cardinal flies by while we're in the car. We instantly think of our dads an them saying HELLO MURPHY'S! A friend gave me the dragonfly while I was in the hospital and it brought tears to my eyes. She knew just how much this symbol meant to me and at that moment I needed HOPE!

 

 

 

But in the end the symbol that had helped me the most through this crazy ride is FAMILY! We have shared many laughs, tears and amazing experiences over these last few weeks. They are the reason that everyday I get up and I am so thankful for yet another day.

 

 

"Family is like music, some high notes, some low notes, but always a beautiful song"

 

 

This weeks goal is to continue Cardiac Rehab without pain and enjoy this beautiful spring weather!!







State of Emotions.. the grieving process post heart attack

As you read this blog today you are probably wondering why is she talking about grieving? She survived her heart attack. Many of us have had loss over the years from the loss of my dad, father-n-law, grandma's and grandpa's, family members and pets. All left us way to early and we all went through the grieving process after each loss. One thing you need to remember, is that the grieving process although portrayed in a nice circular design has a lot of  one step forward two steps back.. (kind of like giving birth ladies)

As the weeks of recovery continue since my heart attack and I've had time to really think of this experience and all  the Topsy Turvy emotions that sneak up on me. Then the other day it hit me.. I'm alive THANK GOD but as crazy as it seems I have been working though the grieving process. The same grieving process that I almost had to put my loved ones through on a much different level.

You're probably asking yourself what possibly could this chick be grieving about? Well, I will tell you it's the loss of a normal heart! When its quiet in the house and I feel my heart twitch or speed up (tachycardia)  and then it goes back to normal I wonder is it happening again?? When I begin to feel sharp pains in my chest from the inflammation I automatically assume it's a heart attack. Its funny that for 40 years I had really ignored any feelings that my heart exhibited. Sure I could feel it race after running or working out but that's really all the attention I gave it. Until, this experience I had really only thought of my heart in an emotional sense. Broken with loss not broken with stents!

Stage 1: Denial ( Started on Day 1 and still keeps chugging along)
I remember thinking to myself that morning when I woke up in the CCU "You have to be kidding me."
I am a 40 year old women who works out, has no risk factors and I'm way to young for this!

Stage 2: Anger (I circle back to this one a lot, sorry family)
Why me? This statement goes through my head on a daily basis. Not only me, but friends and family say it all the time. "I can't believe this happened to you", If it happened to you, it could happen to me." Don't worry, I know I'm no different than anybody else but "WHY ME?" This happens every time I go by a fast food restaurant and the drive through is full of cars (I would love a Shamrock shake but.. not on the cardiac diet) or I  see somebody smoking and think are you kidding me? (smoking has been my number one pet peeve since my dad died of lung cancer)  I just wish I could go back to the way it use to be. Why can't I just pick up and go to the mall or go have lunch with Brenna at school?

Stage 3: Bargaining (daily)
If only! I deal with this stage differently on a daily basis. What if I had been on the road for work in the middle of a rural area.. would I have made it? What if I had been traveling alone in a hotel, would somebody had noticed I was not there in the morning for breakfast? If only, I hadn't taken birth control pills for so many years!

Stage 4: Depression (this sneaks up on me a lot)
This stage post heart attack is different then true depression that people experience chronically. This is the silence in the house when everybody is off doing their daily job, school and activities. You are sad at the normalcy you have lost and yearn to get it back faster than it comes. I won't lie to you I have had my moments of tears and sadness. But then I'll get a text or phone call, a card in the mail or a friend will stop by to say Hi and instantly the sadness begins to go away.

Stage 5: Acceptance (not there yet)
I would be lying to you if I said I had truly accepted what has happened to me. This stage I think has to develop over time. I am slowly accepting that I have a pill box with lots of pills, or that I am now the proud owner of a pill splitter (one of my pills I have to cut into quarters or dust.. which ever is left)  Someday acceptance will happen.. just not today!

 

 

But in the end no matter what stage of the grieving process I find myself in after this heart attack I always remember the AMAZING family and friends that I have been blessed with . I find myself looking through pictures on my phone and smiling at all the goofiness and fun times we have had and  the many more to come!

 

My moto through this recovery process is:

 

Tomorrow will be better than today just keep smiling, hold your head up high and be present in each single moment that you are blessed with!!

 

My goal for this week was to complete three full days of Cardiac Rehab, after today I will have succeeded!



Because normal is boring... purpose?

It has been almost three weeks since the night that forever altered my future. I am so thankful for the chest pain that woke me up, my knowledge to know that we needed to call 911 and an amazing support system from family and friends. But as a sit on the couch in a quiet house now that everybody has gone to school and work I often wonder to myself what is my new normal?? When will I be able just to run into Target or Hy-Vee and just grab a few things for the house? When can I run downstairs and get dirty clothes from my son's room? Do my kids think that mom will always be like this? No longer can I run around the house, empty the trash and start a load of laundry. We need bread, milk, etc.. how will I get that without asking for help? (I just like to go go go and not ask for help) One thing this heart attack has shown me is that IT'S OK TO ASK FOR HELP!!  I know what your thinking this chick is nuts. I should be enjoying not being able to do chores. But what I am finding out is it's not about the chores it is about having a PURPOSE. The quote below really summarizes what my view of the world is now. Laugh a lot, don't sweat the small stuff and who cares if you don't have the cleanest house on the block.

Currently, I have a very limited walking distance. Simply, going from my car to the front of the store can be exhausting. ( No longer, can I sprint like it's Black Friday and run into stores ) I have an incredible husband who drops me off at the front door for my appointments and picks me up. My sister visited last week, and we needed to go into a store, and I had to get a scooter.( It's funny how people look at you and wonder... Why is that woman on a scooter?)  Until this happened, I had taken for granted how long it is from the front of the store to the item you need. Why is it every item I need is always in the back of the store? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration.. but unless it's at the cash register it's in the back.. ha ha.

I would say that a positive to come from my heart attack is that my creative side has been awoken. One day I was getting ready to text my husband the grocery list and all I could think about is just one more thing I am asking him to do. Not only does he work all day, take the kids to their activities, now I'm asking him to get groceries. (Even though he doesn't care... I DO!) What happened to that multi-tasking mom who just went and did and never wanted to ask for help? Now, it seems that I sit in the living room and the hustle and bustle of the day goes on around me. Even though I know this is temporary, it still sucks...

That creativity I mentioned has helped with my limited mobility. We have truly been blessed with technology and online shopping. That grocery list I was going to text my husband I instead ordered all my groceries online and they ran the sacks out to his car after he got off work.  Heck, it probably saved me money. How many times do we run into the grocery store and start grabbing stuff because it's there? I love ordering my groceries online, and this will be my new normal.  I am so guilty of going in for three things and coming out with a cart full.

As the weeks, pass and I start to celebrate the little things.  I feel that some sense of normalcy is coming back.
I was able to do a full session of Cardiac Rehab yesterday. The new medicine they started me on for my chest discomfort is starting to help really!!! The crazy Iowa weather is getting warmer, and soon Spring will be here. Although what I use to consider to be normal has done an 180-degree turn I wouldn't change it for a minute. I no longer take for granted that kiss on the cheek as my kids run to catch the bus or always telling someone at the end of a phone call I LOVE YOU.  The consistent thing since my heart attack is that I now feel the cool wind on my face, the chimes blowing in the distance and celebrate all things no matter how small. I was able to go to my daughters Hooley this weekend and for me to think this might not have been possible three weeks ago.. I took in every minute and loved it.

Our life will never be the same but forever altered. As the weather starts to get warmer, I know the day will come that I can simply park in the Target lot, grab a Starbucks and just wander around the store.

Until then, my PURPOSE in life is to continue living every minute to the fullest!!


My goal this week is to continue with Cardiac Rehab and get all three days in with no chest discomfort.

Maybe next week? The day Cardiac Rehab sent me home!

 

 My new digs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!

 

I have to be honest, yesterday was a tough day for me. I was all excited to dust of the tennis shoes and get on the treadmill to health... But my heart had other things in mind. I mentioned earlier that I was re-hospitalized last week with chest pain. What they think is happening is that my heart and pericardium(membrane enclosing the heart) are inflamed from the stents and catheters being used during the Cardiac catheteritzation procedure. The effect of this is extreme chest pressure with increased activity.
I decided to finally venture downstairs this week and immediately upon coming back up to the top step knew I had done too much. Crazy right, walking one flight of stairs in your home is too much.. For pete sakes, this is a girl who ran two half marathons, thought hot yoga was the best thing since sliced bread and loves to exercise!

It took almost 4 hours after one flight of steps to recover and have the chest discomfort resolve. I decided to go to Cardiac Rehab yesterday thinking the only way I'm going to get stronger is to get on that treadmill and walk. I got all suited up in my new shirt that Tracy Farland sent me, tied my shoes and sat down with the rest of my group. One elderly man's hearing aid battery died so they kept shouting at him so he could hear. Another, had fallen earlier that morning in his bathroom and had a band aid on his forehead covering his sore. One lady smelled like smoke... All I could think was, this is my new reality. Why am I getting so mad because somebody still smokes after having a heart attack?? We do our warm ups, stretch and then get on the treadmill.

 





As soon as I get walking at the speed of 1.5mph (Yep, a turtle just lapped me)  I start to feel that chest discomfort come back.. UGH! As I look around I see that everybody is working hard.. why is this happening to me?
The nurse ( who by the way are amazing in Cardiac Rehab) comes and takes my blood pressure and heart rate and sees that my chest discomfort is starting to get bad. She backs my tread mill down and tells me to keep walking to see if the chest discomfort lessens.

 

 The picture above is the result of the chest discomfort. I will never take the ability to walk without discomfort for granted. I don't know how many times I just jumped on the treadmill, cranked up the speed and started running.. Those days are over for awhile.. BUT I KNOW THEY  WILL RETURN.. slow and steady will win this race.

My Cardiologist started me on a new medication that is a little stronger than the Motrin I was taking. I now have a new medication called Colchicine (sounds like a spice in your pantry) that helps with acute pericarditis.  Remember, the blood thinners I take pretty much react with everything and increase my chances of bleeding. As my husband says, take all the knives out of this kitchen for awhile!!

 

My Cardiologist told me to take a few days off from Cardiac Rehab and try again next week giving the medicine time to work.

 

I will not let this get me down!

 

 

My goal next week.. To accomplish one full week of Cardiac Rehab without discomfort!

 

Bring on the treadmills!! I'm ready!

 

 

What? I'm a 40 year-old mom having a heart attack...

It started as a normal day.. I exercised in the morning, got the kids to school and went to work. After school we ran around and did our normal daily routines. I took Brenna to Irish dance lessons, we had supper and all went to bed. At 2:00 am I woke up with crushing chest pain. First thought, I gave up caffeine today for Lent could that be the cause? What if I'm having indigestion?! I got up and walked to the coach and sat in the dark for a minute. By now, I'm noticing the pain is in my jaw. I finally start to acknowledge that this is something bigger than I could possibly imagine. I have a Bachelors in Nursing and remember from my training that women present differently than men.

I decided it was time to wake up my husband. I will never forget that moment of telling your loved one that you're having chest pain. Still not wanting to believe it was a heart attack I took his phone and briefly googled "women's heart attack symptoms". As I read down the list I finally had to acknowledge that this WAS happening. My husband said "I'm not that good at CPR, I'm calling an ambulance".

After the call to 911 it seemed like it took forever. My mind was racing, what if the kids wake up and see the ambulance stretcher?,  Then it hits me I may not ever talk to my kids again, or I might die!! Are you kidding me, I went to bed a normal person in what I thought was good health and now I'm having a heart attack! I'm only 40 years old, I have a family to take care of and a husband I dearly love and have many years of fun experiences awaiting us.

When the ambulance came, I was put on Oxygen and an EKG was done to see what my heart rhythm looked like. Nothing was said, I was loaded on the stretcher and loaded in the ambulance, My husband got the kids settled and followed me to the hospital.

The ride in the ambulance was scary! Right away Ryan (EMT) said the dreaded words.."You're having a right sided heart attack, I'm starting the STEMI protocol." Four baby aspirin were  popped into my mouth and nitroglycerin under my tongue for the pain. I'm thinking to myself is this really happening? And then I started to sweat profusely, the pain gets more intense. I remember looking at the ceiling of the ambulance praying to God, begging my dad in heaven and all my guardian angels to let me live.  I can't be dying I have a lot of living to do. I need to see Parker and Brenna grow up, get married and have kids.  I can't leave Joe the love of my life its way too soon. I asked Ryan (EMT) to promise me that he will keep me alive, I say "I'm too young to die." Ryan says " I'll try." Now I look back and think Ryan you could of just lied to me and told me "you're not dying on my watch!" Heck, had it been a bad outcome I would have never known you lied Ryan. It's these little things that happen that for some reason mean so much.

We enter the ER and all hands on deck.. At that point when I see all the people I know it's bad. People are coming at me from all angles, patches are placed, IV's started and then a chaplain shows up! At that moment, I'm thinking nope I'm not dying tonight this is not happening!! I'm a mom, a wife...the list doesn't end and this is not fair. I work out 5 days a week, try to eat right and.... At that moment Joe my husband comes into my room and I start to relax. I can see the scared look in his eyes as the chaplain asks us to pray before I go to the Cath lab. I take Joe's hand and squeeze it. I look at him not knowing if I I'll ever see if him or my kids again. All I can think to say is "I love you and I'm so sorry this is happening."

I'm wheeled into the cath lab where more patches are hooked up and defibrillator patches are placed. At this moment, I say a silent prayer to God asking that he lets me live. My thoughts while the nurses are prepping me go immediately to my husband and kids. What if tomorrow doesn't come? I can't leave my husband to raise my kids alone. This is not fair! Why me, why now? I have so much life to live! Please God don't let me die!

The next thing I remember is the Cardiologist  telling me that I had a dissection of my Right Coronary Artery, they had to place 2 stents.  It didn't help that the doctors kept saying that this is very rare or I have no other risk factors. I kept thinking, What???? Why??? How???? Me??? The questions keep racing in my mind. The nurses take me to my room in CCU and I get to see my husbands smiling face. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be fine, I am alive!

We had plans to go to church that night for Ash Wednesday but those plans soon changed. I was given the service bedside. What better way to celebrate the true miracles that happened that night and all the guardian angles that had a hand in my positive outcome.
 No matter what lies ahead I'm ready. I have been given a second chance at life and from now on.. I will never take any day for granted!!

I will not lie to you the day was filled with anxiety, nausea, pain and discomfort. I had thoughts swirling through my head how do I tell people? It kept hitting me that I almost died last night. My husband and I tried to figure out the best way to let people know. But then again how do you start off a phone call, email or text? Do you simply say "Hi, Melissa had a heart attack" what then?? I will never forget peoples response of shock, "Melissa had a heart attack?" they would say.  I know right.. aren't heart attacks reserved for the 65+ crowd? All through out the day I had trouble holding back tears.. tears of joy and then tears of what might have been. We each go through our daily life and move from task to task not ever imagining that today may be the last. We all need to remember that life is a blessing not to be taken for granted.

We found out that day that years of estrogen from birth control pills had caused my heart attack. The good news is I have no other risk factors and will start cardiac rehab to get my heart stronger. I will continue to blog through my recovery because I feel its important for others to know that what they are experiencing is normal post heart attack no matter what age you are. During this last week I have felt happy, sad, mad and confused. I remember a volunteer in the hospital talking about going to Walmart and I got jealous. Walmart? I know it sounds crazy. But post heart attack your independence is taken away and you have to rely on the love and help of friends and family. Simply walking from one room to the next can require lots of effort and you get really short of breath.

The hardest part about recovery is seeing all the worried looks on loved ones faces. This has been a true wake up call. I appreciate all the kind messages, visits and laughs from friends, family and loved ones. 

The picture below was taken when I was able to see my kids. (My son is not big on pictures)

I will continue to blog about my journey and the daily struggles of surviving at heart attack at 40.