Cocktails... a fun drink to now a life saving medicine

Cocktails, they were fun drinks now they are a delicate balance of medications to treat my pain while keeping me healthy. Last year at this time, I would have enjoyed a glass of wine on date night.. now  the thought doesn't even enter my mind.  They say a glass of red wine is good for the heart but to me all I can think about is the effects it can have on my blood thinners. Will the alcohol cause my blood to get too thin or too thick? It's truly amazing how those tiny little pills can have such a life saving effect on keeping my two stents open.

 Its hard to believe its been almost 8 months since my heart attack. I have struggled with chest pain off and on since that crazy night. As many of  you know, those painful events have caused 4 additional nights in two different hospitals. And the crazy, frustrating thing is when we get discharged we have  more questions than answers.

Today as I write my blog I look at my pill box that has now been turned upside down and inside out. What you ask is she talking about? My doctors have decided to go back to the night I had my heart attack and start from the beginning. It began with a call to my doctor 2 weeks ago saying I needed to be seen for chest pain. They were able to get me in right away and as I sat in the office waiting for the doctor I could see the nurses had a funny look on their faces. Hmmmm. I wondered what do they know?  They began to ask me questions about why brought me in. I stated I was having chest pressure and pain. Right away they did an EKG which was normal.. Of course it is silly.. this is just me! Chest pain, pressure and no EKG changes Thank God!!

The doctor came in put her papers on the desk and said Melissa, Melissa, Melissa what are we going to do with you? I said I know right? I was a normal, healthy lady until I went and had a heart attack and now I can't stop getting chest pain. She said that they went back to the cath lab that morning before I came in and reviewed my films of the actual heart attack on 2-11-16 and the films from my cath procedure in Iowa City in July.. and all LOOKED GOOD!! She said we are starting from the beginning with you. We think you are having continued vasospasms in your artery from where the stents are. She stated there can be many reasons, first I'm young and my arteries aren't rigid which normally is the case in older people. Also, some of the medicine can be causing this. So... leading to the pill box discussion, throw this away, start taking this and you no longer need this.

 After two weeks of medicine changes I am feeling great! The chest pain is minimal and I feel like a whole new women.. I know the song " I feel like a women" just popped up in my head too. Hind sight is 20/20 and I wish we would have figured this out say.. 7 months ago but at least we have it figured out now. One of the side effects of my new meds is a slow heart rate and low blood pressure.. But as I tell Brenna as long as I'm talking I'm okay.

I am going to post a link to the American Heart Associations support network for you out there that might need a little support along this crazy journey we call recovery supportnetwork.heart.org
I find it an amazing resource to reach out to people who have either been in my shoes or are trying to prevent a heart attack or stroke.

 In the end:

State of Emotions.. the grieving process post heart attack

As you read this blog today you are probably wondering why is she talking about grieving? She survived her heart attack. Many of us have had loss over the years from the loss of my dad, father-n-law, grandma's and grandpa's, family members and pets. All left us way to early and we all went through the grieving process after each loss. One thing you need to remember, is that the grieving process although portrayed in a nice circular design has a lot of  one step forward two steps back.. (kind of like giving birth ladies)

As the weeks of recovery continue since my heart attack and I've had time to really think of this experience and all  the Topsy Turvy emotions that sneak up on me. Then the other day it hit me.. I'm alive THANK GOD but as crazy as it seems I have been working though the grieving process. The same grieving process that I almost had to put my loved ones through on a much different level.

You're probably asking yourself what possibly could this chick be grieving about? Well, I will tell you it's the loss of a normal heart! When its quiet in the house and I feel my heart twitch or speed up (tachycardia)  and then it goes back to normal I wonder is it happening again?? When I begin to feel sharp pains in my chest from the inflammation I automatically assume it's a heart attack. Its funny that for 40 years I had really ignored any feelings that my heart exhibited. Sure I could feel it race after running or working out but that's really all the attention I gave it. Until, this experience I had really only thought of my heart in an emotional sense. Broken with loss not broken with stents!

Stage 1: Denial ( Started on Day 1 and still keeps chugging along)
I remember thinking to myself that morning when I woke up in the CCU "You have to be kidding me."
I am a 40 year old women who works out, has no risk factors and I'm way to young for this!

Stage 2: Anger (I circle back to this one a lot, sorry family)
Why me? This statement goes through my head on a daily basis. Not only me, but friends and family say it all the time. "I can't believe this happened to you", If it happened to you, it could happen to me." Don't worry, I know I'm no different than anybody else but "WHY ME?" This happens every time I go by a fast food restaurant and the drive through is full of cars (I would love a Shamrock shake but.. not on the cardiac diet) or I  see somebody smoking and think are you kidding me? (smoking has been my number one pet peeve since my dad died of lung cancer)  I just wish I could go back to the way it use to be. Why can't I just pick up and go to the mall or go have lunch with Brenna at school?

Stage 3: Bargaining (daily)
If only! I deal with this stage differently on a daily basis. What if I had been on the road for work in the middle of a rural area.. would I have made it? What if I had been traveling alone in a hotel, would somebody had noticed I was not there in the morning for breakfast? If only, I hadn't taken birth control pills for so many years!

Stage 4: Depression (this sneaks up on me a lot)
This stage post heart attack is different then true depression that people experience chronically. This is the silence in the house when everybody is off doing their daily job, school and activities. You are sad at the normalcy you have lost and yearn to get it back faster than it comes. I won't lie to you I have had my moments of tears and sadness. But then I'll get a text or phone call, a card in the mail or a friend will stop by to say Hi and instantly the sadness begins to go away.

Stage 5: Acceptance (not there yet)
I would be lying to you if I said I had truly accepted what has happened to me. This stage I think has to develop over time. I am slowly accepting that I have a pill box with lots of pills, or that I am now the proud owner of a pill splitter (one of my pills I have to cut into quarters or dust.. which ever is left)  Someday acceptance will happen.. just not today!

 

 

But in the end no matter what stage of the grieving process I find myself in after this heart attack I always remember the AMAZING family and friends that I have been blessed with . I find myself looking through pictures on my phone and smiling at all the goofiness and fun times we have had and  the many more to come!

 

My moto through this recovery process is:

 

Tomorrow will be better than today just keep smiling, hold your head up high and be present in each single moment that you are blessed with!!

 

My goal for this week was to complete three full days of Cardiac Rehab, after today I will have succeeded!



Going from a mutli-tasking mom .. to a short of breath lump on the couch!

The days that followed my heart attack became really confusing. I had to call somebody to go to the bathroom. You have to be kidding me? Why can't I just jump out of this hospital bed and go pee?

Sleeping was a little scarce. I had been started on a new regimen of medications. I went into the hospital on one medication and now I'm leaving on four! One of the medications is a Beta Blocker. This is a medication given to post heart attack patients to help reduce the energy needs of the heart and decrease oxygen consumption.  The funny thing about Beta Blockers is they don't really know how they work in the long run. The Cardiologists just say its better to take it then not.. Ok. The only problem is when you give this to a patient like me who had normal to low blood pressure and a low resting heart rate.. all the monitors go off. I had nurses rushing into my room at night because my blood pressure would drop into the 80/50 range. Keep in mind a normal blood pressure is 120/80.  My pulse while sleeping would go in the 40's, normal 60-120. So as you can imagine to my surprise the nurses would abruptly open my door to make sure I'm still breathing. Well, the shock of being woke up definitely got my vitals headed in the right direction.

Before I left the hospital the nurses from Cardiac Rehab came to visit me. They had books on risk factors, modifiable and non-modifiable... your probably thinking to yourself what???
Modifiable are things such as: high blood pressure, smoking, diabetes, physical inactivity, bad diet (yep, that means fast food and grease which we all love), and being overweight. Non-Modifiable are things you can't change! Think of it this way, age, gender and family history. You are stuck with your genes and no I don't mean the type of jeans you have to squeeze into after a fun weekend of too much food and wine. Isn't red wine heart healthy?? Of course in moderation.

Cardiac Rehab had a lot of things not to do, don't drive for a week, don't lift over 10 lbs., start the Cardiac Diet ( are you kidding me?) One thing they did tell me was that I would have a range of emotions. Sorry Joe I know that this woman is already moody, buckle up its gonna be a long ride. After the nurses said all this they would then insert "but then again you don't have any risk factors, but it won't hurt to try".  I set up my appointments for Cardiac Rehab and will now go three times a week. I have visions of who will be in my class, grandma's and grandpa's and yes that truly is my class. I told Joe I just want to go around and hug them all they are so cute!

That first day home was tough. My family was there to help me. My mother-n-law flew in from Arizona, my sister and family came from Chicago.

That's when it hit me. The true impact a heart attack can have on your loved ones.  When you see their faces. Joe and the kids were truly amazing during this whole process. I could see the worry in their faces.  I noticed how many more "I love yous" I would hear as they would pass me on the couch. My sister Jennifer hit me the hardest. When she walked through the door I could see how worried she was. If felt amazing to be able to just hug her and let her know that she is stuck with me for the duration like it or not. (That's right Sissy I'm not going anywhere)  Friends would come by to visit and you could see the shock and disbelief. It  really made people start to look at how precious life was.

The one thing that I was not ready for was all the flowers. Now, this girl loves her flowers! I have a huge issue in the spring with buying more flowers then my yard could possibly hold.. shiny object syndrome my husband teases me about.  But as all the flowers sat on my coutertop I would look at them and think "WOW, those flowers could have just as easily been for my funeral." I know this seems crazy to say but it's so true.  Remember, the nurses told me that there would be a range of emotions and here it finally surfaced.

The emotions during that first week ranged from seeing the night light in the bedroom and thinking that's what I looked at as I walked out to the family room with chest pain. To putting my head on my pillow and wondering would I wake tomorrow morning? Joe and I started to make a joke of this to add a little levity to the situation. I would say before bed "if you wake up in the middle of the night wake me up to make sure I'm alive". You might think this is crazy.. but in my mind all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have monitoring patches on any more. No nurses to run into my room and tell me to wake up? Joe is great but he is no magician, he can't look at me and say your blood pressure and pulse are low.. sit up Missy!

My next step is going to Cardiac Rehab classes. I am excited and nervous. I went from working out daily to now hanging out on the coach and each day increasing my activity level. The hardest part is trying to just do simple chores like making my daughters lunch for school. When you start to cry over the inability to make a peanut butter sandwich with out getting short of breath you just have to keep the faith that the struggle with normal living will get easier.

Here is a picture of me getting released from the hospital the second time.
(Yep, on my one week anniversary I had chest pain, was short of breath and had radiating chest pain.. I had an additional night in the hospital last week). My heart checked out.. 1/30 people with stents will have inflammation around the stents and I was the lucky one. Well, maybe not so lucky.

Here's to hoping to a week of no hospital stays! Bring on Cardiac Rehab!!