Cocktails... a fun drink to now a life saving medicine

Cocktails, they were fun drinks now they are a delicate balance of medications to treat my pain while keeping me healthy. Last year at this time, I would have enjoyed a glass of wine on date night.. now  the thought doesn't even enter my mind.  They say a glass of red wine is good for the heart but to me all I can think about is the effects it can have on my blood thinners. Will the alcohol cause my blood to get too thin or too thick? It's truly amazing how those tiny little pills can have such a life saving effect on keeping my two stents open.

 Its hard to believe its been almost 8 months since my heart attack. I have struggled with chest pain off and on since that crazy night. As many of  you know, those painful events have caused 4 additional nights in two different hospitals. And the crazy, frustrating thing is when we get discharged we have  more questions than answers.

Today as I write my blog I look at my pill box that has now been turned upside down and inside out. What you ask is she talking about? My doctors have decided to go back to the night I had my heart attack and start from the beginning. It began with a call to my doctor 2 weeks ago saying I needed to be seen for chest pain. They were able to get me in right away and as I sat in the office waiting for the doctor I could see the nurses had a funny look on their faces. Hmmmm. I wondered what do they know?  They began to ask me questions about why brought me in. I stated I was having chest pressure and pain. Right away they did an EKG which was normal.. Of course it is silly.. this is just me! Chest pain, pressure and no EKG changes Thank God!!

The doctor came in put her papers on the desk and said Melissa, Melissa, Melissa what are we going to do with you? I said I know right? I was a normal, healthy lady until I went and had a heart attack and now I can't stop getting chest pain. She said that they went back to the cath lab that morning before I came in and reviewed my films of the actual heart attack on 2-11-16 and the films from my cath procedure in Iowa City in July.. and all LOOKED GOOD!! She said we are starting from the beginning with you. We think you are having continued vasospasms in your artery from where the stents are. She stated there can be many reasons, first I'm young and my arteries aren't rigid which normally is the case in older people. Also, some of the medicine can be causing this. So... leading to the pill box discussion, throw this away, start taking this and you no longer need this.

 After two weeks of medicine changes I am feeling great! The chest pain is minimal and I feel like a whole new women.. I know the song " I feel like a women" just popped up in my head too. Hind sight is 20/20 and I wish we would have figured this out say.. 7 months ago but at least we have it figured out now. One of the side effects of my new meds is a slow heart rate and low blood pressure.. But as I tell Brenna as long as I'm talking I'm okay.

I am going to post a link to the American Heart Associations support network for you out there that might need a little support along this crazy journey we call recovery supportnetwork.heart.org
I find it an amazing resource to reach out to people who have either been in my shoes or are trying to prevent a heart attack or stroke.

 In the end:

I can see clearly now.. the pain is going

Symbols: Common household items that mean so much more now..

 

 

Yep, this is my new morning and nightly routine. I look at this pill box as my lifeline to staying alive and out of the cath lab. This girl went from one pill per day to now 6 bottles lining her counter top. Every Sunday night I fill my pill box for the week.  I fear the day when taking these pills becomes too routine and I might forget. Then what? Did I just increase my risk of having another heart attack? What if skipping that last dose of my anti-platelet causes my stents to clot?  Crazy how much your mind can wander and so much focus can be put on a tiny pill the size of tic tac. ( Oh, and they sure don't taste like candy). How many times have I watched the Bayer aspirin commercial on TV and never thought that I would be that person. It's funny now how I look at objects in my house so differently. And what  deep meaning these items hold.

 





Gus watching another episode of Dexter





The many looks of Gus.. the healing dog

This is Gus our lab/beagle mix he has been by my side through the rehab process. My mother -n- law said he would sit on my side of the bed and cry while I was in the hospital. Gus and I have always had a love/hate relationship. He would eat the garbage, pull all the dirty clothes (yep,including underwear) into the living room while we were at work and loves to howl at inappropriate times. But through this crazy time Gus has been a healer! The scary thing is  I think he is becoming addicted to Showtime and Dexter as you can see from the photo. Gus is a true symbol of love, compassion and healing. No matter where I am in the house Gus is at my side! I'll be the first to admit it some days can get lonely while I'm rehabbing and Gus is a constant companion.

 

How many times do we look out the window and see a dragon fly or a cardinal and it catches your eye and it makes you stop dead in your tracks and remember the loved ones who have passed. Well, for me these symbols represent the guardian angles that were ridding shot gun with me that night in the ambulance. I truly believe that a higher power decided it was not my time to go.

 And each morning when I wake up I THANK GOD for blessing me with another day.

 



 

Many times Joe and I would go Kayaking and be surrounded by dragonflies on the water. And then out of nowhere a dragonfly would sit on my Kayak and just rest. I would see my dad in that dragonfly and feel it was his way of letting me know he was with me. Joe and I always laugh when a Cardinal flies by while we're in the car. We instantly think of our dads an them saying HELLO MURPHY'S! A friend gave me the dragonfly while I was in the hospital and it brought tears to my eyes. She knew just how much this symbol meant to me and at that moment I needed HOPE!

 

 

 

But in the end the symbol that had helped me the most through this crazy ride is FAMILY! We have shared many laughs, tears and amazing experiences over these last few weeks. They are the reason that everyday I get up and I am so thankful for yet another day.

 

 

"Family is like music, some high notes, some low notes, but always a beautiful song"

 

 

This weeks goal is to continue Cardiac Rehab without pain and enjoy this beautiful spring weather!!







State of Emotions.. the grieving process post heart attack

As you read this blog today you are probably wondering why is she talking about grieving? She survived her heart attack. Many of us have had loss over the years from the loss of my dad, father-n-law, grandma's and grandpa's, family members and pets. All left us way to early and we all went through the grieving process after each loss. One thing you need to remember, is that the grieving process although portrayed in a nice circular design has a lot of  one step forward two steps back.. (kind of like giving birth ladies)

As the weeks of recovery continue since my heart attack and I've had time to really think of this experience and all  the Topsy Turvy emotions that sneak up on me. Then the other day it hit me.. I'm alive THANK GOD but as crazy as it seems I have been working though the grieving process. The same grieving process that I almost had to put my loved ones through on a much different level.

You're probably asking yourself what possibly could this chick be grieving about? Well, I will tell you it's the loss of a normal heart! When its quiet in the house and I feel my heart twitch or speed up (tachycardia)  and then it goes back to normal I wonder is it happening again?? When I begin to feel sharp pains in my chest from the inflammation I automatically assume it's a heart attack. Its funny that for 40 years I had really ignored any feelings that my heart exhibited. Sure I could feel it race after running or working out but that's really all the attention I gave it. Until, this experience I had really only thought of my heart in an emotional sense. Broken with loss not broken with stents!

Stage 1: Denial ( Started on Day 1 and still keeps chugging along)
I remember thinking to myself that morning when I woke up in the CCU "You have to be kidding me."
I am a 40 year old women who works out, has no risk factors and I'm way to young for this!

Stage 2: Anger (I circle back to this one a lot, sorry family)
Why me? This statement goes through my head on a daily basis. Not only me, but friends and family say it all the time. "I can't believe this happened to you", If it happened to you, it could happen to me." Don't worry, I know I'm no different than anybody else but "WHY ME?" This happens every time I go by a fast food restaurant and the drive through is full of cars (I would love a Shamrock shake but.. not on the cardiac diet) or I  see somebody smoking and think are you kidding me? (smoking has been my number one pet peeve since my dad died of lung cancer)  I just wish I could go back to the way it use to be. Why can't I just pick up and go to the mall or go have lunch with Brenna at school?

Stage 3: Bargaining (daily)
If only! I deal with this stage differently on a daily basis. What if I had been on the road for work in the middle of a rural area.. would I have made it? What if I had been traveling alone in a hotel, would somebody had noticed I was not there in the morning for breakfast? If only, I hadn't taken birth control pills for so many years!

Stage 4: Depression (this sneaks up on me a lot)
This stage post heart attack is different then true depression that people experience chronically. This is the silence in the house when everybody is off doing their daily job, school and activities. You are sad at the normalcy you have lost and yearn to get it back faster than it comes. I won't lie to you I have had my moments of tears and sadness. But then I'll get a text or phone call, a card in the mail or a friend will stop by to say Hi and instantly the sadness begins to go away.

Stage 5: Acceptance (not there yet)
I would be lying to you if I said I had truly accepted what has happened to me. This stage I think has to develop over time. I am slowly accepting that I have a pill box with lots of pills, or that I am now the proud owner of a pill splitter (one of my pills I have to cut into quarters or dust.. which ever is left)  Someday acceptance will happen.. just not today!

 

 

But in the end no matter what stage of the grieving process I find myself in after this heart attack I always remember the AMAZING family and friends that I have been blessed with . I find myself looking through pictures on my phone and smiling at all the goofiness and fun times we have had and  the many more to come!

 

My moto through this recovery process is:

 

Tomorrow will be better than today just keep smiling, hold your head up high and be present in each single moment that you are blessed with!!

 

My goal for this week was to complete three full days of Cardiac Rehab, after today I will have succeeded!



Maybe next week? The day Cardiac Rehab sent me home!

 

 My new digs every Monday, Wednesday and Friday!

 

I have to be honest, yesterday was a tough day for me. I was all excited to dust of the tennis shoes and get on the treadmill to health... But my heart had other things in mind. I mentioned earlier that I was re-hospitalized last week with chest pain. What they think is happening is that my heart and pericardium(membrane enclosing the heart) are inflamed from the stents and catheters being used during the Cardiac catheteritzation procedure. The effect of this is extreme chest pressure with increased activity.
I decided to finally venture downstairs this week and immediately upon coming back up to the top step knew I had done too much. Crazy right, walking one flight of stairs in your home is too much.. For pete sakes, this is a girl who ran two half marathons, thought hot yoga was the best thing since sliced bread and loves to exercise!

It took almost 4 hours after one flight of steps to recover and have the chest discomfort resolve. I decided to go to Cardiac Rehab yesterday thinking the only way I'm going to get stronger is to get on that treadmill and walk. I got all suited up in my new shirt that Tracy Farland sent me, tied my shoes and sat down with the rest of my group. One elderly man's hearing aid battery died so they kept shouting at him so he could hear. Another, had fallen earlier that morning in his bathroom and had a band aid on his forehead covering his sore. One lady smelled like smoke... All I could think was, this is my new reality. Why am I getting so mad because somebody still smokes after having a heart attack?? We do our warm ups, stretch and then get on the treadmill.

 





As soon as I get walking at the speed of 1.5mph (Yep, a turtle just lapped me)  I start to feel that chest discomfort come back.. UGH! As I look around I see that everybody is working hard.. why is this happening to me?
The nurse ( who by the way are amazing in Cardiac Rehab) comes and takes my blood pressure and heart rate and sees that my chest discomfort is starting to get bad. She backs my tread mill down and tells me to keep walking to see if the chest discomfort lessens.

 

 The picture above is the result of the chest discomfort. I will never take the ability to walk without discomfort for granted. I don't know how many times I just jumped on the treadmill, cranked up the speed and started running.. Those days are over for awhile.. BUT I KNOW THEY  WILL RETURN.. slow and steady will win this race.

My Cardiologist started me on a new medication that is a little stronger than the Motrin I was taking. I now have a new medication called Colchicine (sounds like a spice in your pantry) that helps with acute pericarditis.  Remember, the blood thinners I take pretty much react with everything and increase my chances of bleeding. As my husband says, take all the knives out of this kitchen for awhile!!

 

My Cardiologist told me to take a few days off from Cardiac Rehab and try again next week giving the medicine time to work.

 

I will not let this get me down!

 

 

My goal next week.. To accomplish one full week of Cardiac Rehab without discomfort!

 

Bring on the treadmills!! I'm ready!

 

 

What? I'm a 40 year-old mom having a heart attack...

It started as a normal day.. I exercised in the morning, got the kids to school and went to work. After school we ran around and did our normal daily routines. I took Brenna to Irish dance lessons, we had supper and all went to bed. At 2:00 am I woke up with crushing chest pain. First thought, I gave up caffeine today for Lent could that be the cause? What if I'm having indigestion?! I got up and walked to the coach and sat in the dark for a minute. By now, I'm noticing the pain is in my jaw. I finally start to acknowledge that this is something bigger than I could possibly imagine. I have a Bachelors in Nursing and remember from my training that women present differently than men.

I decided it was time to wake up my husband. I will never forget that moment of telling your loved one that you're having chest pain. Still not wanting to believe it was a heart attack I took his phone and briefly googled "women's heart attack symptoms". As I read down the list I finally had to acknowledge that this WAS happening. My husband said "I'm not that good at CPR, I'm calling an ambulance".

After the call to 911 it seemed like it took forever. My mind was racing, what if the kids wake up and see the ambulance stretcher?,  Then it hits me I may not ever talk to my kids again, or I might die!! Are you kidding me, I went to bed a normal person in what I thought was good health and now I'm having a heart attack! I'm only 40 years old, I have a family to take care of and a husband I dearly love and have many years of fun experiences awaiting us.

When the ambulance came, I was put on Oxygen and an EKG was done to see what my heart rhythm looked like. Nothing was said, I was loaded on the stretcher and loaded in the ambulance, My husband got the kids settled and followed me to the hospital.

The ride in the ambulance was scary! Right away Ryan (EMT) said the dreaded words.."You're having a right sided heart attack, I'm starting the STEMI protocol." Four baby aspirin were  popped into my mouth and nitroglycerin under my tongue for the pain. I'm thinking to myself is this really happening? And then I started to sweat profusely, the pain gets more intense. I remember looking at the ceiling of the ambulance praying to God, begging my dad in heaven and all my guardian angels to let me live.  I can't be dying I have a lot of living to do. I need to see Parker and Brenna grow up, get married and have kids.  I can't leave Joe the love of my life its way too soon. I asked Ryan (EMT) to promise me that he will keep me alive, I say "I'm too young to die." Ryan says " I'll try." Now I look back and think Ryan you could of just lied to me and told me "you're not dying on my watch!" Heck, had it been a bad outcome I would have never known you lied Ryan. It's these little things that happen that for some reason mean so much.

We enter the ER and all hands on deck.. At that point when I see all the people I know it's bad. People are coming at me from all angles, patches are placed, IV's started and then a chaplain shows up! At that moment, I'm thinking nope I'm not dying tonight this is not happening!! I'm a mom, a wife...the list doesn't end and this is not fair. I work out 5 days a week, try to eat right and.... At that moment Joe my husband comes into my room and I start to relax. I can see the scared look in his eyes as the chaplain asks us to pray before I go to the Cath lab. I take Joe's hand and squeeze it. I look at him not knowing if I I'll ever see if him or my kids again. All I can think to say is "I love you and I'm so sorry this is happening."

I'm wheeled into the cath lab where more patches are hooked up and defibrillator patches are placed. At this moment, I say a silent prayer to God asking that he lets me live. My thoughts while the nurses are prepping me go immediately to my husband and kids. What if tomorrow doesn't come? I can't leave my husband to raise my kids alone. This is not fair! Why me, why now? I have so much life to live! Please God don't let me die!

The next thing I remember is the Cardiologist  telling me that I had a dissection of my Right Coronary Artery, they had to place 2 stents.  It didn't help that the doctors kept saying that this is very rare or I have no other risk factors. I kept thinking, What???? Why??? How???? Me??? The questions keep racing in my mind. The nurses take me to my room in CCU and I get to see my husbands smiling face. I knew at that moment that everything was going to be fine, I am alive!

We had plans to go to church that night for Ash Wednesday but those plans soon changed. I was given the service bedside. What better way to celebrate the true miracles that happened that night and all the guardian angles that had a hand in my positive outcome.
 No matter what lies ahead I'm ready. I have been given a second chance at life and from now on.. I will never take any day for granted!!

I will not lie to you the day was filled with anxiety, nausea, pain and discomfort. I had thoughts swirling through my head how do I tell people? It kept hitting me that I almost died last night. My husband and I tried to figure out the best way to let people know. But then again how do you start off a phone call, email or text? Do you simply say "Hi, Melissa had a heart attack" what then?? I will never forget peoples response of shock, "Melissa had a heart attack?" they would say.  I know right.. aren't heart attacks reserved for the 65+ crowd? All through out the day I had trouble holding back tears.. tears of joy and then tears of what might have been. We each go through our daily life and move from task to task not ever imagining that today may be the last. We all need to remember that life is a blessing not to be taken for granted.

We found out that day that years of estrogen from birth control pills had caused my heart attack. The good news is I have no other risk factors and will start cardiac rehab to get my heart stronger. I will continue to blog through my recovery because I feel its important for others to know that what they are experiencing is normal post heart attack no matter what age you are. During this last week I have felt happy, sad, mad and confused. I remember a volunteer in the hospital talking about going to Walmart and I got jealous. Walmart? I know it sounds crazy. But post heart attack your independence is taken away and you have to rely on the love and help of friends and family. Simply walking from one room to the next can require lots of effort and you get really short of breath.

The hardest part about recovery is seeing all the worried looks on loved ones faces. This has been a true wake up call. I appreciate all the kind messages, visits and laughs from friends, family and loved ones. 

The picture below was taken when I was able to see my kids. (My son is not big on pictures)

I will continue to blog about my journey and the daily struggles of surviving at heart attack at 40.