3-31-16/ The day that almost....

Before today, all birthdays were a day of celebration, gifts, and cake!! Today takes on a whole new meaning. Last night before bed I said my prayers and thanked GOD for giving me tomorrow. Tomorrow, why would I have to be thankful for tomorrow you ask? Well, until this year I had always taken for granted that March 31st would come. In the past, it symbolized the day I got to drive, my first beer and then last year turning the big 40!! Joe had always told me that when you turn 40, you start to fall apart. I laughed at him and thought he was nuts! Well, Joe you were right beyond your words. I had my first set of stitches from a pizza cutter incident, diverticulitis, and the big Heart Attack! Yikes, let's hope 41 is a better year.

Not only did I fall apart I almost lost it all. I sit here and write this blog post today with tears filling my eyes. Crazy right!! I should be over the moon excited that I get to go out to eat and have Birthday Cake ( Heart Healthy of course... maybe not), but all I can think about is that this day almost didn't happen.

There is no playbook that the nurses give you when you leave the hospital.( How I wish there was!) It would have chapters such as 1. Happy Days that now take on a new meaning. 2. Emotions beyond emotions. 3. Sam's Club memberships for Kleenex. 3. Grieving the old you. 4. Family, strengthening the ties that bind. 5. Never taking anything for granted. 6. Exercise.. The turtle vs. the rabbit. 7. Cardiac Rehab, bonding with strangers over your common bond.

It's been fun getting all the birthday wishes on Facebook and texts from friends and families. Although I will have to admit I have had many tears, they are happy tears. Tears, that I have so many loved ones in my life. Friends that I haven't talked to for years are reaching out. As I sit here and write I listen to the 10,000 Maniacs and their song These are the Days.  A song that holds a deep meaning. Joe and I call it our song, I listened to it over and over when my dad passed to remind me that life must go on.  And today LIFE DOES GO ON!!  In the song, it says " These are days that  you'll remember, never before and never since I promise."  Although these last seven weeks have been hard as crazy as it is to say, I wouldn't change the experiences I've had. It has made my family slow down and begin to enjoy every moment of every day. We find ourselves laughing more. Parker's favorite quote is "Mom, did I just give you another heart attack?"  Humor makes us who we are.. and everyone needs more of that in their lives!!

 

 

Joe for my birthday this morning gave me the Pandora Heart charm for my bracelet! It sparkles, just like my true heart.. for the new lease on life GOD has given me!! Both Julie and Jennifer gave me the bracelets above it. The Circle represents the path of life and the sailboat the journey.

 

 

Tomorrow I graduate from Cardiac Rehab!! I will be holding my diploma high. As one chapter in my life ends another begins!!



Starting new.. time to put the blood pressure cuff away

Monday begins a new chapter in my life. I am going back to work after five weeks off and ready to get back into the swing of things.(well, maybe not that excited about it) Today I looked at Joe and said: "its time to put the blood pressure cuff away." That cuff that has sat beside me on the coffee table for many weeks for those times I felt light headed and dizzy. I don't feel the need for it anymore since they finally have my medication on the right track, and I'm able to walk more and not get so short of breath.

My new start on Monday will include both work and cardiac rehab. I won't lie to you I am nervous to begin work again. I feel like I am so far behind and have no idea where to start... I guess I'll just open up the emails and take them one at a time. I have made a promise to myself that I am going to try not to get stressed out! (ok.. manage my stress better). We all have experienced that feeling of doom and gloom after coming off vacation, opening up your computer and seeing the long list of emails and wondering what do I do??? These last five weeks have not been a vacation..I have struggled both mentally and physically to understand what happened to me and how to keep simply just putting one foot in front of the other.

At the beginning of this experience, I had dreaded going to cardiac rehab and getting asked " Why are you here? You are so young? What happened?

Now, that I've gotten to know my group members I look forward to seeing their smiling faces three times a week. Over the last two weeks, I have had members of my cardiac rehab group graduate from phase 2 and begin phase 3. (I'm currently in phase 2 until April). I hate to say it, but I find myself sad when they graduate and leave me behind. Don't get me wrong I'm excited that they are doing well enough to be able to move on, but I miss having conversations with them on the treadmills.  I look forward to the day that I graduate from cardiac rehab and yet put another stage of the healing process behind me.

The other day on the treadmills the conversation among the cardiac rehab group was longevity. They talked about many of their siblings and parents having had heart attacks as young as 45 years old. I almost fell off the treadmill.... wow, I have that beat!!!  Now, I can see Brenna and Parker at their doctors appointments checking the box for family history of heart attacks. Up until this point, I had looked at my longevity as how long my grandparents had lived. I never once thought about how my heart attack would now change the course of my kids longevity conversations. I had always thought of my longevity line as being amazing long. All my grandparents had lived well into their golden years. When I filled out my life insurance almost 15 years ago, I was considered high risk because my dad had passed away from lung cancer. Not heart disease, not a heart attack or stroke. It's truly amazing how one split second can alter not only your life but your kids. When I use to go to the doctor, and they would ask me what medications I was taking I would say one.. and joke with them about how boring I was. Now, I pull out my medication sheet and go from nuts to bolts about the medications I'm on. My family doctor said not many patients surprise me, but you make the top 5!

NCAA Tournament 2nd round!

This experience has forever altered not just my life but also my families. I appreciate all the kind words over these last few weeks. I don't know how I would have ever gotten through this without the love of my friends and family. Although Monday will bring a lot of emotions and a new definition of me.. I'm ready to get back into life. This weekend I began to increase my activity level and although at the end of the day I was extremely tired it was SO WORTH IT!!

Below are some pictures of me beginning to enjoy life again as the new me.. Sure I now pack two stents in my right coronary artery, but I also pack a new beginning.. This heart attack will not define who I am as a person or limit what I am capable of! It is just a blip on the radar of life... WATCH OUT WORLD BECAUSE HERE I COME!



St. Patrick's Parade 2016

Scared, Nervous, and frightened... a 10 year olds perspective on heart attacks

Brenna and Gus.. Blog guests

Today as I write my blog my 10 year old daughter Brenna sits beside me. It's her first day of spring break and I explained to her that I have been writing a blog about my heart attack.  Up until this point I have written about how the heart attack has effected me and not from my families perspective.

I've asked her to share with me her thoughts about how our lives have changed over this past month. Don't get me wrong we've talked about the incident but she has really been quiet and reserved. Brenna has the personality of just dancing through life, smiles all the time and just goes. So having this time one on one this morning I wanted to ask her a few questions.

Q: Brenna what did you think when you found out I had a heart attack?

"That morning when dad woke me up and started talking to me about what happened to mom I thought it was all a dream" Brenna says. Brenna and Parker both handle stress in different ways. They knew that day that I had a heart attack but were unsure of what really happened or the outcome.
"We always watch Code Black, Chicago Med, and Grey's Anatomy whenever people have heart attacks on these shows I thought it was life or death" says Brenna.  Brenna said "scared, nervous, frightened, sad and weird were the emotions that went through her head.

Q: What did you think as dad was driving you to see me for the first time?

"I was just tyring to keep my mind off of it, so I wouldn't freak out." "On the way up to the CCU room dad said don't be scared."

Q: How has your life changed since this happened?

 "I have to clean more which I don't like, it just scares me that it might happen again."

Q:  Have positive things came out of this experience?

"I'm closer with my mom now and I get to ride the bus to and from school everyday!"


Q: What words of advice do you have for other parents who have to talk to their kids about any type of sickness or disease?

" Be honest and tell them everything is going to be okay!

After we got done talking I asked Brenna if she had anything else to say and she just gave me a big hug!! This is a common theme in our house over the past month that I hope never changes. Nobody leaves the house without a hug and I love you.

I asked Brenna to give me a picture for my blog and this is what she felt best represents her!

Always remember that a heart attack not only affects you it also affects your whole family!

Being open and honest with your kids no matter what age will help to make the healing process better and more understandable for all.

I can see clearly now.. the pain is going

Symbols: Common household items that mean so much more now..

 

 

Yep, this is my new morning and nightly routine. I look at this pill box as my lifeline to staying alive and out of the cath lab. This girl went from one pill per day to now 6 bottles lining her counter top. Every Sunday night I fill my pill box for the week.  I fear the day when taking these pills becomes too routine and I might forget. Then what? Did I just increase my risk of having another heart attack? What if skipping that last dose of my anti-platelet causes my stents to clot?  Crazy how much your mind can wander and so much focus can be put on a tiny pill the size of tic tac. ( Oh, and they sure don't taste like candy). How many times have I watched the Bayer aspirin commercial on TV and never thought that I would be that person. It's funny now how I look at objects in my house so differently. And what  deep meaning these items hold.

 





Gus watching another episode of Dexter





The many looks of Gus.. the healing dog

This is Gus our lab/beagle mix he has been by my side through the rehab process. My mother -n- law said he would sit on my side of the bed and cry while I was in the hospital. Gus and I have always had a love/hate relationship. He would eat the garbage, pull all the dirty clothes (yep,including underwear) into the living room while we were at work and loves to howl at inappropriate times. But through this crazy time Gus has been a healer! The scary thing is  I think he is becoming addicted to Showtime and Dexter as you can see from the photo. Gus is a true symbol of love, compassion and healing. No matter where I am in the house Gus is at my side! I'll be the first to admit it some days can get lonely while I'm rehabbing and Gus is a constant companion.

 

How many times do we look out the window and see a dragon fly or a cardinal and it catches your eye and it makes you stop dead in your tracks and remember the loved ones who have passed. Well, for me these symbols represent the guardian angles that were ridding shot gun with me that night in the ambulance. I truly believe that a higher power decided it was not my time to go.

 And each morning when I wake up I THANK GOD for blessing me with another day.

 



 

Many times Joe and I would go Kayaking and be surrounded by dragonflies on the water. And then out of nowhere a dragonfly would sit on my Kayak and just rest. I would see my dad in that dragonfly and feel it was his way of letting me know he was with me. Joe and I always laugh when a Cardinal flies by while we're in the car. We instantly think of our dads an them saying HELLO MURPHY'S! A friend gave me the dragonfly while I was in the hospital and it brought tears to my eyes. She knew just how much this symbol meant to me and at that moment I needed HOPE!

 

 

 

But in the end the symbol that had helped me the most through this crazy ride is FAMILY! We have shared many laughs, tears and amazing experiences over these last few weeks. They are the reason that everyday I get up and I am so thankful for yet another day.

 

 

"Family is like music, some high notes, some low notes, but always a beautiful song"

 

 

This weeks goal is to continue Cardiac Rehab without pain and enjoy this beautiful spring weather!!







State of Emotions.. the grieving process post heart attack

As you read this blog today you are probably wondering why is she talking about grieving? She survived her heart attack. Many of us have had loss over the years from the loss of my dad, father-n-law, grandma's and grandpa's, family members and pets. All left us way to early and we all went through the grieving process after each loss. One thing you need to remember, is that the grieving process although portrayed in a nice circular design has a lot of  one step forward two steps back.. (kind of like giving birth ladies)

As the weeks of recovery continue since my heart attack and I've had time to really think of this experience and all  the Topsy Turvy emotions that sneak up on me. Then the other day it hit me.. I'm alive THANK GOD but as crazy as it seems I have been working though the grieving process. The same grieving process that I almost had to put my loved ones through on a much different level.

You're probably asking yourself what possibly could this chick be grieving about? Well, I will tell you it's the loss of a normal heart! When its quiet in the house and I feel my heart twitch or speed up (tachycardia)  and then it goes back to normal I wonder is it happening again?? When I begin to feel sharp pains in my chest from the inflammation I automatically assume it's a heart attack. Its funny that for 40 years I had really ignored any feelings that my heart exhibited. Sure I could feel it race after running or working out but that's really all the attention I gave it. Until, this experience I had really only thought of my heart in an emotional sense. Broken with loss not broken with stents!

Stage 1: Denial ( Started on Day 1 and still keeps chugging along)
I remember thinking to myself that morning when I woke up in the CCU "You have to be kidding me."
I am a 40 year old women who works out, has no risk factors and I'm way to young for this!

Stage 2: Anger (I circle back to this one a lot, sorry family)
Why me? This statement goes through my head on a daily basis. Not only me, but friends and family say it all the time. "I can't believe this happened to you", If it happened to you, it could happen to me." Don't worry, I know I'm no different than anybody else but "WHY ME?" This happens every time I go by a fast food restaurant and the drive through is full of cars (I would love a Shamrock shake but.. not on the cardiac diet) or I  see somebody smoking and think are you kidding me? (smoking has been my number one pet peeve since my dad died of lung cancer)  I just wish I could go back to the way it use to be. Why can't I just pick up and go to the mall or go have lunch with Brenna at school?

Stage 3: Bargaining (daily)
If only! I deal with this stage differently on a daily basis. What if I had been on the road for work in the middle of a rural area.. would I have made it? What if I had been traveling alone in a hotel, would somebody had noticed I was not there in the morning for breakfast? If only, I hadn't taken birth control pills for so many years!

Stage 4: Depression (this sneaks up on me a lot)
This stage post heart attack is different then true depression that people experience chronically. This is the silence in the house when everybody is off doing their daily job, school and activities. You are sad at the normalcy you have lost and yearn to get it back faster than it comes. I won't lie to you I have had my moments of tears and sadness. But then I'll get a text or phone call, a card in the mail or a friend will stop by to say Hi and instantly the sadness begins to go away.

Stage 5: Acceptance (not there yet)
I would be lying to you if I said I had truly accepted what has happened to me. This stage I think has to develop over time. I am slowly accepting that I have a pill box with lots of pills, or that I am now the proud owner of a pill splitter (one of my pills I have to cut into quarters or dust.. which ever is left)  Someday acceptance will happen.. just not today!

 

 

But in the end no matter what stage of the grieving process I find myself in after this heart attack I always remember the AMAZING family and friends that I have been blessed with . I find myself looking through pictures on my phone and smiling at all the goofiness and fun times we have had and  the many more to come!

 

My moto through this recovery process is:

 

Tomorrow will be better than today just keep smiling, hold your head up high and be present in each single moment that you are blessed with!!

 

My goal for this week was to complete three full days of Cardiac Rehab, after today I will have succeeded!



Because normal is boring... purpose?

It has been almost three weeks since the night that forever altered my future. I am so thankful for the chest pain that woke me up, my knowledge to know that we needed to call 911 and an amazing support system from family and friends. But as a sit on the couch in a quiet house now that everybody has gone to school and work I often wonder to myself what is my new normal?? When will I be able just to run into Target or Hy-Vee and just grab a few things for the house? When can I run downstairs and get dirty clothes from my son's room? Do my kids think that mom will always be like this? No longer can I run around the house, empty the trash and start a load of laundry. We need bread, milk, etc.. how will I get that without asking for help? (I just like to go go go and not ask for help) One thing this heart attack has shown me is that IT'S OK TO ASK FOR HELP!!  I know what your thinking this chick is nuts. I should be enjoying not being able to do chores. But what I am finding out is it's not about the chores it is about having a PURPOSE. The quote below really summarizes what my view of the world is now. Laugh a lot, don't sweat the small stuff and who cares if you don't have the cleanest house on the block.

Currently, I have a very limited walking distance. Simply, going from my car to the front of the store can be exhausting. ( No longer, can I sprint like it's Black Friday and run into stores ) I have an incredible husband who drops me off at the front door for my appointments and picks me up. My sister visited last week, and we needed to go into a store, and I had to get a scooter.( It's funny how people look at you and wonder... Why is that woman on a scooter?)  Until this happened, I had taken for granted how long it is from the front of the store to the item you need. Why is it every item I need is always in the back of the store? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration.. but unless it's at the cash register it's in the back.. ha ha.

I would say that a positive to come from my heart attack is that my creative side has been awoken. One day I was getting ready to text my husband the grocery list and all I could think about is just one more thing I am asking him to do. Not only does he work all day, take the kids to their activities, now I'm asking him to get groceries. (Even though he doesn't care... I DO!) What happened to that multi-tasking mom who just went and did and never wanted to ask for help? Now, it seems that I sit in the living room and the hustle and bustle of the day goes on around me. Even though I know this is temporary, it still sucks...

That creativity I mentioned has helped with my limited mobility. We have truly been blessed with technology and online shopping. That grocery list I was going to text my husband I instead ordered all my groceries online and they ran the sacks out to his car after he got off work.  Heck, it probably saved me money. How many times do we run into the grocery store and start grabbing stuff because it's there? I love ordering my groceries online, and this will be my new normal.  I am so guilty of going in for three things and coming out with a cart full.

As the weeks, pass and I start to celebrate the little things.  I feel that some sense of normalcy is coming back.
I was able to do a full session of Cardiac Rehab yesterday. The new medicine they started me on for my chest discomfort is starting to help really!!! The crazy Iowa weather is getting warmer, and soon Spring will be here. Although what I use to consider to be normal has done an 180-degree turn I wouldn't change it for a minute. I no longer take for granted that kiss on the cheek as my kids run to catch the bus or always telling someone at the end of a phone call I LOVE YOU.  The consistent thing since my heart attack is that I now feel the cool wind on my face, the chimes blowing in the distance and celebrate all things no matter how small. I was able to go to my daughters Hooley this weekend and for me to think this might not have been possible three weeks ago.. I took in every minute and loved it.

Our life will never be the same but forever altered. As the weather starts to get warmer, I know the day will come that I can simply park in the Target lot, grab a Starbucks and just wander around the store.

Until then, my PURPOSE in life is to continue living every minute to the fullest!!


My goal this week is to continue with Cardiac Rehab and get all three days in with no chest discomfort.